May 28, 2024

I had a long time on the beach today, some time to meditate, some time to think. And for the first time in my life, it occurred to me that I am totally free. In a sense, I have no responsibilities, at all. In Les Misérables there is a man Monseigneur Bienvenu goes to meet in the forest who led the French Revolution; he lives alone.

I thought of this man today. On the one hand, there is the world where we live: cars, places to live, family, children, jobs…and on it goes. Then there is the place where this man lives and he is free to be just himself.

I think during much of my life I have removed myself from the material world, but I still had a job: students, plane flights, cars, a house, cutting grass, etc. Now, I have none of those things. My children live all over the world, Sharon is gone, I am secure financially, I have a house where I can live, but really, nothing else (well, my bonsai!). I am 81 and for the first time in my life, like the man who lives in the woods in Les Misérables, totally free. No one is dependent on me for anything.

As I looked out at the ocean today, sitting alone on the beach, I saw another world that was not the world in which I have been living. It was a blank canvas, and I did not want to put anything on it except possibly the cerulean ocean, the pearly waves, the stark sun, and the cotton clouds.

I need to explore what is ahead, if anything, but I am quite sure that I no longer want to paint on the old canvas. I’m not even sure I want to paint at all.